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My Surrogacy Journey: What I Wish I’d Known Before I Started

Art is made in hindsight

If fully embracing the wonder of surrogacy is an art form, well, everything I fretted about seems entirely irrelevant now that I’m out the other side. Every worry I had about us bonding, or anxiety about the birth, or how I would feel about looking at my daughter and not seeing any part of myself in her perfect face. Even spending a disproportionate amount of time thinking what that face could possibly look like. In hindsight, with the benefit of having and loving the baby I’d longed for all this time, really, who gives a f*ck? Of all the things I wish I’d known before I started, I would’ve had a really great head start in the (self-imposed) race to acceptance had I known this. 

You don’t have to carry a child to be a mother

Well, duh. This really should go without saying, since adoption, fostering, even fathering sometimes counts as mothering too, but when it’s me? When it’s my own ability to be, and feel like a mother? I had extreme doubts. They came down to insecurity, inexperience and militant infertility, all the “ins”. Would I ever feel like her mother if I didn’t spend nine months “knowing her from the inside”? YES is the obvious answer, but of course I didn’t know it at the time. Would I be able to love her unconditionally from the moment she was born? Yes, or at least, I think so! Is the answer, because I was drowning in a whole host of other complex emotions in that moment, but I’m pretty sure one of them was overwhelming love. And terror. And what the hell? Someone expects me to keep this tiny thing alive now, with zero qualifications? But I’m told that’s a common thread among all new parents, whether they carried, adopted, fostered or fathered the child themselves, or not. 

The UK can do better (but it is trying!)

When we were first embarking on our surrogacy journey we were scared out of doing it in our own country because the UK upholds some, let’s say, archaic laws compared to America, where everything is highly regulated but also commercialised. Now I can clearly see the pros and cons of both countries, but I wish legally the UK would catch up with its own societal and cultural progression. Firstly, for the first six weeks, the surrogate could change her mind and keep the baby if she wanted to, regardless of our biological connection to it, even if the eggs were mine. Genetically I’d be the parent, but legally I wouldn’t be. But that’s moot here because it wasn’t my egg. It was my husband’s sperm though, so is he “Father” on the birth certificate? Nope. That role goes to the surrogate’s husband. The only way Mr B would get a legal look-in would be if the surrogate weren’t married. Then he’s drafted in as back-up Father. I could take a DNA test to the High Court to prove paternal parentage and they would still rule against him. See? ARCHAIC. But the law commission is working on reform, so we patiently wait. And hope.

“Would I ever feel like her mother if I didn’t spend nine months ‘knowing her from the inside’?” Sophie asked herself.

Infertility acceptance is like a staircase

From experience, I look at it like this: Fertility is like a staircase, descending from a beautiful bedroom where scheduled but romantic sex happens and a baby is made. Ah, that was nice. Nice and normal. The next step down is probably a gruelling schedule, one that the other half gets quite irritated with (“I am not a MACHINE”), and eventually, a baby is made. If not? Process, deal with it, step down into IVF. And so on, until you get to an infertility diagnosis, that you have to process and deal with before you can step down into egg donation. Process, deal with it, embrace it! Ah, fail, then step down again into surrogacy. (My staircase was a grand one). Surrogacy was the step in this infertility journey that excluded me from the whole process. Surrogacy meant remortgaging the house, becoming the most interesting person at the dinner party, working out the simplest explanation for any uninitiated friends and acquaintances, but also, ultimately, it meant relief. I would not have to be solely responsible for all this repeated failure, and I could give my broken system a break and still be a mother, universe willing. 

Nobody needs a surrogacy social

Until recently they might have thought they did, because in the UK it’s illegal to “advertise” for a surrogate, so how else do you meet one? If you aren’t lucky enough to know someone who would perform this enormous, incredible, entirely selfless act of extreme kindness, what do you do? Go to a social event, much like a singles night at your local village hall, but with 60 desperately single women to every available man. It’s like the Hunger Games , but hopefully with the creation of life at the end, rather than violent destruction of it. But only for a couple of the successful intended parents who battled their desperate peers to win the surrogacy match. 

That felt horrendous to me, to us, having to persuade someone to choose me over someone else in that context casts a bit of an ugly shadow on the whole thing. Not only would I have to be on my best behaviour, it would be better-than-YOU-behaviour. And an “every man for himself” compulsion among a room full of sad, infertile couples doesn’t sound like a party to me. Unless they have tequila. But that was then. Now there is a new, not-for-profit organisation in the UK that wants to do things differently. My Surrogacy Journey also sees the issue with surrogacy socials – they don’t want anyone to win a popularity contest, they want to match the right couple with the right surrogate in an entirely supportive and considered way, and my goodness, I am here for that. It’s the sigh of relief this country has been waiting for to be honest, and definitely the route we will take for number two. About that…

Sophie has documented her path to motherhood in a new book. 

Surrogacy is like childbirth

Bear with me on this one, but it definitely is its own kind of labour. Although ours lasted a good few years rather than the traditional 24 to 48 hours, and it wasn’t as intensely physically painful (so I’m told). But just like actual childbirth, you forget the pain. You have to, or your beautiful, battled-for child would never have a hope of a sibling. Now that we are a year into knowing and loving our daughter, are we ready for another one? Well, no, is anyone ever ready to start all over again? But we want to, and so we can only try. Here goes, eh?

The Mother Project: Making It To Parenthood The (Very) Long Way Round, by Sophie Beresiner, is out now

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What to Know Before Your Surrogacy Journey

Surrogacy is an important family planning option, but be prepared for a lengthy, expensive and emotional process.

Credit... Lucy Jones

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By David Dodge

• April 17, 2020

This guide was originally published on Oct. 11, 2019 in NYT Parenting.

From the time they began dating as teenagers, Rita and Erikson Magsino, now 39 and 43, talked about the family they hoped to have together one day. Almost immediately after marrying in 2005, they tried to make that dream a reality.

But parenthood would have to wait — Magsino learned she had an aggressive form of endometriosis that made it difficult for her to become pregnant. For over a decade, the couple tried everything to conceive — including fertility drugs and advanced treatments like intrauterine insemination and in vitro fertilization. Twice, Magsino became pregnant, only to miscarry late in the second trimester. “After we lost twins at 20 weeks, we decided enough was enough,” she said. A generation ago, the couple’s attempts to have a biological child most likely would have ended there. Instead, thanks to improvements in reproductive medicine, they welcomed a baby boy into their home in May with the help of a gestational surrogate.

Surrogacy has also created an avenue to biological parenthood for thousands of others who can’t conceive or carry children on their own, such as same-sex couples and single men. As a gay, H.I.V.-positive man, Brian Rosenberg, 54, figured biological fatherhood was forever out of reach. But thanks to surrogacy, and a technique known as “sperm washing,” which prevents H.I.V. transmission, he and his husband, Ferd van Gameren, 59, welcomed twins, biologically related to Rosenberg, in 2010. “It’s still hard to believe,” Rosenberg said. “I thought this was a door that was shut to me.”

Still, would-be parents need to be prepared for a process that is far longer, more expensive and emotional than many people expect — it’s called a “surrogacy journey” for a reason. For this guide, I interviewed the types of experts you can expect to encounter during a surrogacy journey, including two fertility specialists, a lawyer, a psychologist and an agency caseworker.

Learn the lingo.

Research the laws in your state — then hire a lawyer., build your surrogacy “team” — and pick your professionals carefully., decide if you want a surrogacy agency, or if you want to go it alone., find your surrogate and donor, if needed., understand the costs and ways to offset them., be cautious if pursuing surrogacy abroad..

There’s enough jargon within the world of surrogacy to fill a Rosetta Stone course. You’ll no doubt be fluent by the end of your process (which, by the way, is frequently referred to as a “journey”) but here are some basic terms and definitions to help you get started:

A “surrogate,” or a “carrier,” is someone who agrees to carry a child for another individual or couple — who in turn are referred to as the “intended parents.”

In “gestational surrogacy,” the most common form practiced in the United States, eggs from either a donor or intended parent are used to create embryos, so there is no biological relationship between the carrier and offspring. In “traditional surrogacy,” a carrier uses her own eggs to achieve pregnancy — meaning she will be biologically related to the child.

“Compassionate surrogacy,” also called “altruistic surrogacy,” refers to an arrangement in which a carrier agrees to carry a child for intended parents without compensation. In “commercial” surrogacy, a carrier is compensated.

Though the United States is one of the few countries to permit commercial surrogacy, the laws vary “considerably” state to state, said Judith Daar, the dean of Chase College of Law at Northern Kentucky University, and the chairwoman of the American Society of Reproductive Medicine Ethics Committee. Some states have comprehensive surrogacy laws on the books, others are completely silent on the subject, and a couple of states (like New York and Michigan ) currently permit only compassionate surrogacy. Research the legal landscape in your state , said Daar, but don’t obsess over the details — that’s what you’ll be paying a lawyer for. An experienced lawyer can help you complete a surrogacy journey even in states with unfavorable laws.

[Read about the legal basics L.G.B.T.Q. parents should know.]

They say it takes a village to raise a child, but with surrogacy it can take a village simply to conceive one. In her book, “ Your Future Family: The Essential Guide to Assisted Reproduction ,” Kim Bergman, Ph.D., senior partner at Growing Generations , a surrogacy and egg donation agency, outlined the four main types of experts that will make up your team:

Medical specialists: A reproductive endocrinologist will conduct medical screenings, create embryos and help your surrogate achieve pregnancy. Dr. Said Daneshmand, M.D., a fertility specialist at San Diego Fertility Center, described this relationship as “incredibly intimate,” so “find a doctor you feel comfortable with.”

Reproductive lawyers: You will need to negotiate legal contracts with your surrogate and egg donor, if you are using one — both of which are complicated documents. So hire a lawyer with “extensive experience in these areas,” Daar said. Your lawyer will help you navigate two critical issues: the legality of surrogacy contracts in your state, and the steps needed to establish your parental rights and to sever those of your surrogate’s.

Mental health professionals: The American Society of Reproductive Medicine, the largest organization in the United States dedicated to the practice and study of assisted reproduction technologies, recommends that you, your surrogate and your donor — and each of your partners, where relevant — undergo screening by a trained psychologist early on in the process. This is “essential,” not a luxury, according to Dr. Bergman. “Using third parties to create your family can be intrusive and emotional, and a therapist can help you work through some of the unexpected feelings that can arise for you.”

Fertility insurance experts: You also may need to work with a fertility insurance expert to make sure your surrogate’s pregnancy is covered. “Sometimes a surrogate’s own insurance plan will cover her pregnancy, but not always,” said Dr. Bergman. If you plan to use an egg donor, you will also need a special form of insurance for her. Intended parents from outside of the United States will have a particular need to consult an insurance expert.

The ease of your surrogacy journey will depend on the effectiveness of this team, and how well everyone collaborates, “so meet with multiple experts and get recommendations before hiring them,” advised Dr. Bergman. All of these experts should offer free consultations, she added, and should be willing to refer you to previous clients. A good place to start your search is the American Society of Reproductive Medicine .

Independent surrogacy: Many experts caution against attempting surrogacy independently, particularly if your reasons are financial. If everything goes perfectly, you could save yourself roughly $30,000 in agency fees, said Dr. Bergman. “But what if you end up requiring more than one donor or carrier, or need multiple legal contracts?” An agency is paid to handle these complications, she said, but independently, “you’re left to navigate these problems and pay for them on your own.”

Still, you may have a good reason for independent surrogacy. For instance, if you are working with a “compassionate” surrogate, like a friend or a family member, you won’t need an agency’s matching services. If you decide to pursue surrogacy independently, Dr. Bergman suggested you first meet with and hire a qualified lawyer to understand the laws in your state, and build the rest of your team from there.

Surrogacy agency: There is no federal oversight or comprehensive set of standards surrogacy agencies must adhere to, which means the quality varies widely. “Surrogacy agencies are businesses,” Daar said. “Treat them as such when deciding between them.” Experts generally agree that the guidelines developed by the American Society of Reproductive Medicine for the ethical practice of surrogacy are the most comprehensive — so, at a minimum, make sure your agency lives up to those.

There are some online resources that can help you in your search for an agency. All Things Surrogacy and Surrogacy Advisor both maintain a directory of agencies, along with some reviews from past clients. For help finding an L.G.B.T.Q.-friendly agency, the nonprofit Men Having Babies has a directory, along with reviews and ratings from former clients.

But the best way to decide, according to Dr. Bergman, is to meet with several agencies and take an “active role” during these consultations. “Find out how long they’ve been practicing, their success rates, educational backgrounds, and what their screening process is like for donors and surrogates.” For L.G.B.T.Q. and international clients, she also recommended getting statistics on the number of clients they’ve served from these communities.

Surrogates: The relationship you have with your surrogate is unique among the people you will work with during your journey, said Heather Manojlovic, who has worked as a surrogate for two families and is now a surrogate coordinator at Circle Surrogacy, a surrogacy and egg donation agency. “Make sure she and her partner are people you want to go on this journey with,” she said.

If you are working with an agency, ask about its screening process. Some will do comprehensive health, criminal, financial and psychological screenings before you “match” with a surrogate, Manojlovic said. But others do partial pre-screenings, and complete the full process only after you and your surrogate have agreed to work with each other — meaning there is a greater possibility a match will fall through.

Only two percent of the women who start an application with Circle Surrogacy successfully match with an intended parent — those that do share some common characteristics, said Manojlovic. All will already have successfully carried a child to term, for instance, and will generally have had no more than one previous miscarriage. “Surrogates also won’t be dependent on this income as a primary source,” said Manojlovic — noting the average household income for a surrogate at Circle Surrogacy is $74,000.

Manojlovic encouraged intended parents to talk to surrogates about their motivations. “Most of these women are drawn to this work for reasons that go well beyond the financial compensation,” she said. Her inspiration, for example, came from watching her aunt struggle with infertility. “I saw firsthand how devastating it was, and now I’m in a position to help others like her.”

Donor relationships: Egg and sperm donation in the United States has experienced a “sea change” within the last generation, said Sam Hyde, president of Circle Surrogacy. “Fifteen years ago, 100 percent of our clients used anonymous donors when creating embryos.” But today, thanks in part to the popularity of home DNA-testing kits, and the ease of finding people online, “the idea of ‘anonymous’ donation doesn’t really exist anymore.” So intended parents should determine the “degree of openness” they are comfortable having with their donor. “There is no right or wrong way to do this,” Hyde said. Some families connect on social media but little else, he said, while others involve their donor as an integral part of the family.

Known donors and surrogates: Some intended parents come to the surrogacy process with a friend or family member who has offered to be a carrier or donor. Dr. Richard Paulson, M.D., director of U.S.C. Fertility and past president of the A.S.R.M, has seen plenty of these scenarios “play out beautifully,” he said — but known donors and surrogates still need to undergo many of the same rigorous screenings. Known surrogates, in particular, “are the least likely to go forward as a successful match,” he said. Often, they fail to pass the clinic’s health assessments, or drop out after “fully coming to appreciate what it means to carry someone else’s child for nine months.”

There’s no getting around it — surrogacy is expensive. Most of the experts interviewed for this guide put the average price for a surrogacy journey around $150,000. But the final cost will vary, considerably, depending on your circumstances.

Two main factors affecting cost are whether you need an egg donor, and how many rounds of I.V.F. are required before your surrogate conceives. If you don’t need a donor, the cost for each cycle of I.V.F. can be around $15,000 to $20,000, but if you do, this figure can rise to $50,000 per cycle. Dr. Bergman said that, as long as the eggs and sperm are healthy, 70 percent of surrogates achieve pregnancy on the first try, and 99 percent by the third. Still, you could be spending anywhere from $15,000 to $150,000 on I.V.F. cycles.

Travel expenses and insurance can also impact the overall cost, especially for international intended parents pursuing surrogacy in the United States. “Babies born to domestic couples will be covered under their own insurance plans,” said Dr. Daneshmand, who specializes in international surrogacy arrangements. “That’s not the case with international parents — they’ll need to get their newborn’s insurance separately.”

While many families take out loans to afford surrogacy’s hefty cost, there are some other ways to bring down this total. “Definitely check with your employer to start with,” said Dr. Bergman. More businesses are starting to cover the costs of I.V.F. treatments up to a certain dollar amount, and others are starting to cover costs like travel expenses and legal fees. There are also limited grant and scholarship opportunities. The AGC Scholarship Foundation , for instance, helps offset some of the costs associated with surrogacy for those struggling with infertility. Men Having Babies offers sizable grants to gay men interested in forming their families through surrogacy.

Most experts warn intended parents against pursuing surrogacy outside the United States, where reputable agencies adhere to the standards put forward by the American Society of Reproductive Medicine. “It’s risky because you’re leaving a very structured, regulated environment, with professionals with a great deal of expertise,” said Dr. Daneshmand. Intended parents may have a difficult time leaving a foreign country with proper documentation, like birth certificates, he said. And most countries forbid commercial surrogacy contracts — so unless you are working with a compassionate surrogate, where no financial compensation is involved, “you may be out of luck.”

David Dodge is a writer focusing on non-traditional families and a proud father of three.

What to Know About I.V.F.

In vitro fertilization can be daunting, but preparation and learning about the side effects can make it a lot easier. Our guide can help .

There are still large gaps in our knowledge about how I.V.F. procedures affect women years later. Here’s why .

Some couples, aware of the difficulties of conception and pregnancy, are choosing I.V.F. as a first option .

Many insurance companies don’t cover I.V.F. treatments. But there are ways to ease the financial burden .

For L.G.B.T.Q. couples, the path to parenthood can be long . One writer shared her absurd but ultimately successful experience  using I.V.F. to become pregnant.

Have you gone through an I.V.F. treatment? Tell us about your experience .

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My Surrogacy Journey: Kristina’s Surrogacy Story

We're thrilled that Kristina shared her thoughts from her experience as a surrogate mother . Read on to see how the decision changed her life - and the life of the family she helped to build.

Words can't express how impressed I've been with this agency. They have been incredibly thorough and truly care about providing an optimal experience to each and every one of their surrogates and intended parents. They made sure I was paired with a couple well-suited for me. Though more than a thousand miles separated us, we couldn't have been better matched. We became close despite the distance between us and were always appreciative of what the other brought to the relationship. Now, post delivery, I can honestly say that this journey has created a beautiful friendship between us; one that will exist far beyond the birth of their son.

Was the journey flawless from start to finish? Of course not. Though we were working with one of the best fertility centers in the nation, our first embryo transfer ultimately resulted in an ectopic pregnancy. Deb Levy, Alicia Denefe and their staff saw us through it and supported me and the intended parents as we dealt with the heartache. The support from the other surrogate mothers I came to know through ConceiveAbilities' support group was also unbelievable. It's funny to think how I thought "support" was something I would never need - or even want - when I first heard about it. Yet it became one of my most favorite things about the whole experience. I've become close to so many other surrogates, thanks to ConceiveAbilities, and I think I can speak for each one of them when I say that this support has been extra "icing on the cake." As a Labor and Delivery nurse who has delivered babies for other surrogates, I hear firsthand how other agencies fall short of providing this level of service. (quote: It didn't matter one bit that the little one growing inside of me wasn't genetically mine; my happiness that day was for the couple whose family would soon be growing by one. author: Kristina block: yes) Thankfully, our second embryo transfer was successful. I recall the smiles on the parents' faces the day we transferred the embryos, but also knew that the uncertainty made them feel vulnerable. The couple and I had an opportunity to see the embryos in the incubator just before the transfer - they were perfect and beautiful. The reproductive endocrinologist hugged the intended mother after transferring the embryos, and a tear fell from the intended mother's eye. Seeing that, tears began to fall from mine as well. It was a moment filled with an indescribable feeling - and all of us forming a team working toward the same goal. I was optimistic about this transfer's success and refused to think otherwise. I wanted to be an unwavering, constant source of support and encouragement to the couple I was helping. I still remember the day I found out I was pregnant and that the intended parents were expecting and the intense happiness that overcame me. It didn't matter one bit that the little one growing inside of me wasn't genetically mine; my happiness that day was for the couple whose family would soon be growing by one.

I was blessed with an easy and uneventful pregnancy and the delivery went exactly as we had hoped. The mother and I had numerous conversations those last few months planning the labor and delivery process and were fortunate that we were able to make those conversations become reality. With outstanding support from her during my labor, I was able to give her the un-medicated birth she wanted for her child. By doing that for her, I also came to realize how much it gave back to me. I had never felt such empowerment as I did that morning, and December 30th, 2011, is a day I never forget. It ranks right up there with the birth of my own two children. Words can't describe how I felt when I saw the intended parents catch the first glimpse of their newborn son - nor can they describe the completeness I am sure they felt that day. I am incredibly honored to have been able to help them achieve their dream of bringing a child into this world with gestational surrogacy, and am filled with such happiness every time I get an update or see a new picture of him. There truly is no greater gift a woman can give.

Visit here to read more Chicago Surrogacy Reviews & Testimonials

Learn more about our Matching Matters process .

To read other surrogacy journeys told in the surrogates' words, filter our blog posts by Personal Journeys .

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What My Surrogacy Journey Taught Me

N ow a mom to 3, one hopeful parent's surrogacy journey taught her something all of us need to learn: It's okay to give yourself some grace.

"What if?" That used to be my mantra, an open door to possibilities, discoveries and adventure. A romantic, despite the beat down of cynicism my beloved NYC had instilled in me during my 15-year tenure there, my thoughts in resting state were some form of: how do I make the impossible possible today? 

This mentality may have kept me afloat past multiple failed embryo transfers and back-to-back rounds of IVF . Heck, it may be the reason that I didn't blink at the thought of using a gestational carrier to fulfill that ever-common dream of growing a family —not including the cost of fertility treatment . I certainly blinked, gawked and had to take a seat at the price tag, which can range from the highest of high five figures to well into the six, which is where we ended up. 

"Surrogacy, or in our case, gestational carriership, was our last play. It was 4th quarter, with 17 seconds left, and we felt we just had to go for it. My husband and I  prepared ourselves with the understanding that there were stringent laws. At the time of our contract, many states made it difficult for you to have your own name on the birth certificate. In fact, in many states we would have been in a position to adopt our own flesh and blood."

Surrogacy, or in our case, gestational carriership, was our last play. It was 4th quarter, with 17 seconds left, and we felt we just had to go for it. My husband, Chirag, and I prepared ourselves with the understanding that there were stringent laws. At the time of our contract, many states made it difficult for you to have your own name on the birth certificate. In fact, in many states we would have been in a position to adopt our own flesh and blood.

While our parents were very supportive—once we talked them out of the carrier needing to be South Asian, or even vegetarian, like our families are—neither they nor we were comfortable with having to adopt our own biological children. The legalities and loopholes made us nervous about putting that much faith into this very odd financial transaction. We understood that between legalities and culture, we were not likely to match with a carrier anywhere near where we lived. And the surrogacy agency made it very clear that this could take a while.

Related: Sharing the 'Deep Details' of IVF Makes the Road Easier to Navigate

"What if?" now became a cause of anxiety. And an irritating one at that. The earworm of all earworms: 

What if we never match with a carrier? 

What if she lives across the country? 

What if an embryo splits and the carrier gets pregnant with triplets, and she doesn't want to reduce? What if we don't want to reduce? 

What if the carrier's life is at stake? 

What if the embryos don't implant at all? 

What if we get conned out of our money? 

What if our apartment doesn't sell and we can't cover the costs?

The amount of "What if" ground we covered before matching with a carrier was impressive. By worrying about it, I felt hyper-aware, and over-prepared. Like nothing could come at me that I could not catch. 

In early January of the following year, we signed with the surrogacy agency and forked over nearly $20,000 for their support to help us find, match with, and work out a legal contract for a gestational carrier. That money would be lost in the ether if we didn’t find a match within a year. (They did offer a slightly pricier two-year contract, but with graduate school tuition also looming over my head, I took the cheaper option.)

A few months after signing with the agency, we were contracting one of their carriers to do what my body could not. Grow our children. If the idea of hiring a practical stranger to do this wasn’t frightening enough, the contract you sign with the surrogate that seems like the size of The Deathly Hallows and makes you liable for her life will have you hiding under the covers. At least it did me, as I sobbed in my bed initialing every numbered statement or page. Something else came with the fear, though. It was freedom. It was the passing of this responsibility onto someone else’s body.

A few weeks after that, the Universe threw us the first “what if” that I hadn't thought of: What if I get pregnant after we hire a surrogate? Because sure enough, there was a positive pregnancy test sitting in my garbage can that I was too scared to acknowledge. How do we tell the surrogate? Holy crap, what if she gets pregnant with both embryos we had transferred? Are we going to have non-triplet triplets? Three kids was the plan! But not all at once!

Before we could tell Mia*—our sweet, loving carrier—that we were pregnant, we received a call from her, in tears. Our embryos didn't stick. We told Mia that the collective we may not be pregnant—but it turns out we, Chirag and I, were. Her tears of disappointment quickly turned to those of joy and then of confusion. Now what?

With anxiety-what-ifs infiltrating my brain, I impulsively asked her to stay on contract with us. We knew she was still a part of growing our family; I just wasn't sure how. We needed to hold on to her. This, of course, came with a fee out of respect for her time. 

The next unexplored "what if" that came into play was that space between miscarriage and viability. The gray area I never thought much about. That was, until I went into extreme preterm labor and gave birth, taking our newborn directly to the NICU, and my OB told us to start planning my daughter's funeral. We’d been praying for her for three years, yet we’d only had her for three days—and he wanted us to prepare for goodbye? She had been born septic. My complaints of pain had gone unheard and untreated, and she arrived in the world at 25 weeks gestation, a micro-preemie weighing 1.5 lbs. and 13 inches long. 

"What if?" went from an anxiety-inducing irritant to a dark force that was detrimental to my mental health. 

What if we lose her? 

What if I could have just held on a little while longer? 

What if they could have figured out where my pain was coming from? 

What if I'd gotten a cerclage sooner?

Despite those questions, we had zero interest in planning any funerals. Our focus was decidedly to love and fight for our daughter for as long as we were allowed to. But the reality was that the best-case scenario would likely leave us with a child with significant delays, if not worse. What if she had a home team to cheer her on, to push her forward? Siblings. She needed healthy, happy siblings. 

We gave our carrier the green light to start a cycle for us. I was in the NICU watching our daughter fight for her life while Mia was having two more embryos transferred. A boy and a girl, with the hopes at least one would take.

And then, another what if: Shortly after the transfer, I lost my job. As a contractor, I had few rights to fight the termination—and as a NICU parent, I had even less energy for it. Mia was pregnant with our twins at that point, and her enthusiasm for her journey with us warmed me despite the anger I housed. Despite the fear. 

The last twisted "what if" that came to visit us was: What if Mia goes into extreme preterm labor, too? While we had broached the topic with her doctor, who didn't think it was likely. After all, we had moved forward with an outsourced uterus for the chance at a healthier pregnancy and delivery.

But Mia went into labor at 25 weeks and was hemorrhaging so badly that she couldn't make it to the hospital with her birth plan and high-quality NICU. Instead, she landed at a bare-bones hospital. They couldn't stop the labor, so like their "big" sister, my son and daughter arrived at approximately 1.5 pounds.

"There is an enormous amount of self-blame that comes with preterm labor. I felt an overwhelming need to approach Mia’s experience with grace. To not place blame. To not live in (constant) anger. But I had to learn to let it go."

The Universe may have had a plan after all. Not one that I'm fond of to this day, but a plan nonetheless. 

Perhaps I went through extreme preterm labor to understand this situation with much more grace than I would have before. That was the only explanation. Without my own experience, I would not have been able to fathom the level of terror, feeling of failure, or witnessing of miracles that were about to happen.

"Thank you for not being mad at me," Mia had said as we stood by the twins' isolettes. All I could do was hug her, grateful to be there for her. "But look," she continued. "You have your three babies."

What if we get everything we wish for in the most unexpected way imaginable?

There is an enormous amount of self-blame that comes with preterm labor. I felt an overwhelming need to approach Mia’s experience with grace. To not place blame. To not live in (constant) anger. But I had to learn to let it go. Because I didn’t want either of us to miss the magic that was about to occur. And in giving Mia grace, I asked myself the most important “What If.” 

What if I afforded myself the same grace I afforded her? No, Chirag and I did not plan our early parenting years to include two traumatic births, 3 micro-preemies, and up to 15 therapies a week. But as we watch our now 6-year-old daughter and 5-year-old twins daily challenging themselves and the odds, with grace, we can witness the true alchemy of love and science.

*Name has been changed to protect her identity.

Related: What Are the Costs of a Multiple Pregnancy and Birth?

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My Surrogacy Journey - The Podcast

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• West Coast Surrogacy Blog

My Surrogacy Journey: Cassie

No one tells you the range of emotions you will feel when your initial reasoning for offering up your body is love. While still in the beginning stages of surrogacy, I feel as though my action, done in a gesture of love, has brought on feelings that you wouldn’t think could come from a process meant to help a family become whole.

When I completed my schooling for Sonography, I was an eager and naive young tech who thought she would see wonderful babies all day. Boy, was I WRONG. I stepped into a low-income hospital wondering if I had made the right decision. I was away from my kids, who were three and one and needed their mama. I was in an area with a bad reputation for crime.

My first patient on the table was a pregnant woman who was visibly high and had the track marks to prove this wasn’t her first go at the needle. I was so mad at her and felt so sad for the baby growing inside of her. Was this baby going to experience life with a hole in her heart because of a lost relationship with her mother? Would she even have a mother or would she be given to the system? It broke my soul.

A week later, I experienced my first patient who was miscarrying. While she wouldn’t be my first, her baby had the most impact on me. I had to hold back tears as I explained to her that I had to get the doctor, but it was clear she already knew what was coming. I held her hand as the doctor spoke the words that every mother dreads, “The fetus is not viable.” The words seemed so cold, but after telling so many women this over the course of a career, how would you keep the words warm?

Six months into the job and I kept wondering how I could help. I surely couldn’t stop a miscarriage. I contemplated if this was the right path for me, or if I was even worthy of these women who trusted me with making sure their babies were healthy. I finally got the confirmation I needed when I scanned a woman who was 38 weeks pregnant.

She said she hadn’t felt the baby move in two days. When I began scanning, the baby had no movement and the heart rate was low. In an effort to find what was going on, I checked the baby’s neck and there it was – the cord. Had I not checked, the baby could have passed on and become an angel. I was lucky enough to watch from the gallery as a C-section was performed. That same day, an ad for surrogacy came up on my phone.

In December of 2018, I vigorously searched for an agency that made me feel comfortable in what I wanted. So many agencies spoke to me as though I was a body in an assembly line. In every aspect of my life, I expect nothing short of a healthy relationship, why would I cut it short here? Finally, I spoke with Casey. She was pregnant and the first surrogacy agency employee who had spoken to me like I was a human being who mattered. It didn’t take me long to agree to be a surrogate with West Coast Surrogacy (WCS).

I thought the hard part was over but I was so wrong. I had abnormal pap smears in the past so I was advised to get another. My doctor recommended that I wait six months to get one so that is what I did. When I was finally cleared, I submitted my Release of Information over for review to WCS. I was finally medically cleared in the fall of 2019!

Now the fun part – matching with a family. To me, the most important parts of matching with a family were having communication that worked for both parties as well as the intended parents forming a relationship with my kids. I wanted my kids to know that the baby mommy was helping grow was going to go to kind and loving people.

After I matched with my first family, the COVID-19 pandemic hit. The family was from another country and, because of COVID-19, it was nearly impossible to get the documentation needed to proceed. COVID-19 then came stateside, which put a damper on my abilities to complete the process. After a few months, the family and I made a mutual agreement to go our separate ways.

I was nervous at this point. Was surrogacy the right journey for me? Was I making the right decision? My kids are getting older, will they understand? Although I was interested to see if I could match with another family, I thought to myself, “If I don’t get a match within a month, I’m going to close this chapter.”

Within a week, I matched with a beautiful couple who lived only a few hours from me! I was thrilled. The more I talked to the intended mother, the more I was hopeful that we would form a wonderful bond. COVID-19 didn’t put a damper on our relationship forming nor did it slow the process (too much) for getting the legal documentation completed. I knew this was it!

I completed my medical screening through a fertility doctor in December of 2020. The next period was my mock cycle. For the mock cycle, I was sticking myself with medication and praying HARD. I thought, please let my body be ready for a baby and if it’s not, give me the mental preparedness to move on and accept it. I’d had invested two years at this point, I hoped that this wouldn’t be the reason we had to stop our journey.

Then, my fears were brought to reality. I was told by the nurse that I was “post-receptive” meaning my body was outside of the window to accept an embryo. I was disappointed but also relieved. I realized, if I would have had an embryo transfer that failed because we didn’t do this mock cycle, I may have always wondered, “why.” But now I had an answer to a question I didn’t know I had. I was then told that we would complete another mock cycle. This brought my nerves down and the nurse explained to me that this happens sometimes and, “It’s ok, we can try again!”

I am now on my second mock cycle and I am hoping for a better result, but I am so thankful for medical intervention. I think about the intended parents and how grateful they must be for the technology that makes it possible to see if a surrogate can successfully carry their bundle of love. I hope this works out positively and we can move onto an embryo transfer and start making a baby.

The whole process has been a rollercoaster of emotion, but it has also been so fulfilling. Surrogacy is not for the faint of heart, but for those who can give their love to complete strangers while being responsible for one of the most important things in the stranger’s life (on top of the realities of your personal life that you face day to day).

To any future surrogates: When making the decision to become a surrogate, know that you are wonderful for offering your heart and body to strangers. You are worthy of all good things in life. You are kind. You are the epitome of love. Also, be easy on your intended parents – they are giving you something that they have no control over and hoping for a miracle.

– Cassie, Surrogate at West Coast Surrogacy

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Friendly agency

I have loved working with Amber so far in my journey to become a gestational carrier. She is highly responsive and very fun to work with. I hope this journey continues going well. As I am starting this journey to become a surrogate. 100% recommended. Her whole team is amazing.

Date of experience : July 15, 2024

Great Experience …

My surrogacy journey has been extremely great. I want to especially thank Amber for being such an amazing and caring person though out my journey. Even after my surrogacy journey she reached out to make sure I was doing well. I highly recommended smart surrogacy they are very professional and care deeply about your wellness.

Date of experience : October 24, 2023

BEST SURROGATE AGENCY

l have met Amber last year and I admire her work etiquette. It has been a journey working with her. There were ups and downs during the process but Amber always saves the day! When you have questions and concerns, she will provide you answers. She was literally my cheering squad, so I can always move forward with this journey. You will never regret working with this agency especially with Amber!

Date of experience : September 05, 2023

Decided to come here to become a Surrogate and created a friendship. Love working with Amber. She has been amazing though my whole prosses. She has been there to answer every call and any questions I had through my prosses. Getting matched was quick. I would recommend this agency and Amber to anyone!!

Date of experience : January 31, 2024

1st GC journey!

My husband & I are in the process of our first surrogacy journey. We were referred to Smart Surrogacy by a friend. I am so glad I listened & chose this agency! Amber has been wonderful through the entire process! She answers all my questions & keeps me up to date with what is going on behind the scenes. We have worked together on weekends & holidays. She is so sweet, caring, & timely! I’m excited to move forward with our IP’s & Smart Surrogacy! I wouldn't hesitate to recommend them or do another journey with them!

Date of experience : May 13, 2021

Smart Surrogacy was extraordinarily…

Smart Surrogacy was extraordinarily helpful in my journey. Amber was a sincere pleasure to work with, taking into account my preferences and situation to find the best surrogate fit for my family. After five long years of struggling, I would never have believed it would have positively ended with the birth of my baby girl. Please rest assured that this agency will take care of you and provide the best service to help you reach your baby goals

Date of experience : March 16, 2023

This agency is so awesome!

This agency is amazing! I love how Amber understands me and answer all of my questions and concerns. I'm a first time surrogate and so far my journey is going great! I would recommend this agency to anyone who asks me what agency I'm doing my surrogacy journey with! Thank you Amber for everything that you are doing for me and my intended parents ❤️❤️

Date of experience : July 06, 2023

I really loved working with Smart…

I really loved working with Smart Surrogacy because they have surrogates ready and available to go, there’s no waiting a year. Amber, the owner, also lets you review the profiles before committing, but you are going to want to commit, because it will be the fastest journey will ever go on. Once we signed on, and got everything going, we had our son within a year! paperwork, legal work, transfer, pregnancy, and birth all within a year! Amber is very responsive, you can even text her and she will respond right away. We are getting ready for our second journey with Smart Surrogacy, and I already have a surrogate, ready to go, and she’s even already cleared by my clinic. I’m so excited to start my second journey with Smart Surrogacy.

Date of experience : April 28, 2022

Smart Surrogacy helped me reach my dream.

To get set up as a surrogate and matched with an intended parent was an easy process. Amber was very quick to reply by phone, text, or email. I am very excited to continue this journey with this agency to help guide me. After a visit with my doctor for medical clearance the whole process was quick and easy. I would recommend this agency for any woman looking to become a surrogate. I plan on having one more surrogate baby and I will be using Amber and Smart Surrogacy.

Date of experience : December 30, 2018

Reply from Smartsurrogacy

Hello, Brandy, thank you so much for your review! Since we worked together, you have been a superstar for us. You are very responsible, helpful, trustworthy and easy to work with. It is an honor to work with you. Thank you very much again for your review, Brandy.

I have been looking into surrogacy for…

I have been looking into surrogacy for a long time. I’ve spoken with other agencies none of which stood out tome, and then I found Smart Surrogacy. Smart Surrogacy has been extremely helpful in answering the many questions I have had as well as being patient with me throughout this journey. Everything has been wonderful so far and I will definitely be reaching out to them in the future if I choose to be a surrogate again. I look forward to see what more is in store in our future.

Date of experience : October 14, 2019

Nothing but praise for Amber of Smart…

Nothing but praise for Amber of Smart Surrogacy A difficult journey but if Amber is around, you are rest assured you are in good hands. She always take the extra mile and go beyond her scope to help, show concern and comfort you as a friend. I feel very assured and safe in her hands and I know deep down in my heart, the journey will not be as smooth-sailing if not for her. I strongly recommend her to anyone who wants to start on this journey and NO ONE can be a better fit than Amber.

Date of experience : January 14, 2019

Thank you smart surrogacy!

I am very amazed at how quickly smart surrogacy was able to set me up with a GC & how Helpful they were with my process. I greatly recommend smart surrogacy for those that are wanting to make they’re dream families come true. Extremely pleased with everything from start to finish.

Date of experience : October 05, 2019

Trustworthy and dependable

Never doubted this agency, although I was an inexperienced surrogate. Walked me through every step of the way and stayed in touch. This agency has been experienced in all aspects of the fertility journey. I had international IP’s as a first time surrogate, So there were challenges. Smart Surrogacy made it comfortable and I knew I could trust the follow through including Legal, insurance and every aspect. I plan on taking my second journey through Smart Surrogacy and know that I will be supported and they will have my best interests.

Date of experience : March 11, 2022

Dream come true

Hello, this is Tracy from the east coast of the United States. Our fertility clinic strongly recommended Smart Surrogacy to us a year ago. Upon our outreach, Amber from the team called us right away. She is the best agent. She is very experienced, patient, sweet, caring, professional, and honest. We were matched by Smart Surrogacy with a wonderful surrogate quickly. The attorney recommended by the agency is great as well. The Smart Surrogacy team makes everything flow easily and smoothly. We were very nervous about the process. We are so happy that we have found Smart Surrogacy and especially Amber. Whenever we have any questions, concerns, or needs, Amber of her team reaches out and helps us find the solutions. We are about to have our twin boys now. We have been waiting for this for many years. We are very grateful to the team and especially Amber. We STRONGLY recommend Smart Surrogacy to any intended parents.

Date of experience : June 10, 2022

So excited to be on this journey with…

So excited to be on this journey with the best team! It has been a great experience working with the family Smart Surrogacy matched me with and I will definitely do another journey with the agency! Amber is my go to for anything and Everything.

Date of experience : October 14, 2023

Amber is phenomenal

Amber is phenomenal, she personally cares for her surrogates, manages everything in a timely matter and will answer any questions you might have along the way. Matching was thought through, very fast. Amber's network of clinics, insurance and attorneys is very good.

Date of experience : November 27, 2019

Smart surrogacy is great!

I am still in beginning stages of the Surrogacy process. So far it's been a great experience, smart surragacy has been great. My contact person is thorough, very informative, always easy to contact with any questions or concerns. I'm so happy to be in this journey and have Smart Surrogacy by my side.

Date of experience : August 10, 2019

First time Surro

I am in the process of starting my first journey and I am in love with the staff! Amber has been very welcoming and has worked closely with me throughout the entire process! Communication has been great and I’m looking forward to moving forward with my IP’s and the agency. ☺️☺️

Date of experience : October 25, 2019

Smart Surrogacy

I have nothing but wonderful things to say about smart surrogacy and their awesome staff. They treated me like family and even though i am not new to surrogacy it was great to have the staff there to answer all my questions when i had them. I absolutely love the IP that I am matched with ,it seems like the staff really listen to me because I couldnt have asked for a better IP. All my emails and phone calls where answered back in a very timely manner and I never felt over whelmed. Like I said I have had nothing but wonderful and great experience with Smart Surrogacy. I would definitely recommend them to anyone looking to become a future surrogate or any Ips searching for awesome surro mom.

Date of experience : February 25, 2019

BEST PLACE EVER

I have never worked with such a amazing surrogate agency before! They are very helpful, communicative, and nice. AMBER has been the best person I could have ever asked for. She takes good care of all the girls that come in. She made me feel welcome and wanted and like I mattered! She is the best I wouldn’t go anywhere else

Date of experience : August 11, 2023

My Surrogacy Journey: An Intended Parent’s Story

Our Intended Parent Journey

About 10 years ago we first talked through the idea of having a baby. We were keen but our careers were full on and as a same sex male couple we thought it was going to be very difficult and so we didn’t pursue the idea. In April 2018, we revisited the idea of having a baby of our own with renewed energy. By now our careers had gone where we wanted them to go and we had both managed to reduce our working hours a bit. The more we saw babies, the more we felt like we were missing out. This was the right time!

We’d also seen more gay couples with children and started to realise that it might be more possible than we’d first thought or than it was 10 years earlier. We were now older than the average parents and said we would give ourselves two years to actually get to the point of being pregnant. If we weren’t pregnant by April 2020 perhaps it was not to be. Who knows if we would have given ourselves more time once we reached this point. Luckily we didn’t have to think about it.

Finding out about our surrogacy options

We wanted our own baby using one of our sperm, a donor egg and a surrogate and we began to do some research on the issue. There were a variety of options and we had to look for the one that best suited us. We wanted to get this really right!

Once we had collected the information there was no contest for us. It was Brilliant Beginnings all the way. They fitted in with our personalities and wishes. We didn’t want to find a surrogate independently – we wanted a level of vetting done and we didn’t want to have to sell ourselves to prospective surrogates – we are private people.

Meeting with Brilliant Beginnings

We had our initial meeting with Brilliant Beginnings in May 2018. It was a bit like a job interview. We were very nervous and although the team tried to put us at our ease and made us feel very welcome it was still a little intimidating and exhausting. Lots of personal questions were asked, we found ourselves telling strangers things we would struggle to tell our best friends such as our views on a termination or disability. Looking back on it, this ‘vetting’ of us was pivotal. It would shortly match us with an amazing like-minded surrogate who we became and still are good friends with!

Matching and meeting our surrogate

Back to our pre surrogate journey. After several meetings at BB and several visits by ourselves to a fertility clinic we were making really good progress. The only issue now was finding a surrogate.

I remember the day BB matched us with Laura. I was in my classroom at work and at the end of a busy day had several missed calls from my husband! BB had matched us! I was so excited! I ran straight to my friend and colleague’s classroom to tell her the news. This was so amazing and thrilling! We had come a long way in a few months.

Once matched with our surrogate things progressed slowly but surely. It started off with anonymous letters to each other, a phone call mediated by BB and once we all realised things were going well we were encouraged to meet Laura. We did just this and met for the first time in December 2018. We had lunch and the meeting went really well. 2018 had been a good year, we had come a long way!

Over the next few months we met up with Laura several times – meeting her family, going out for meals and visiting each other’s homes.

Formalising our surrogacy arrangement

We then had a more formal meeting with BB and Laura. This was to discuss the contract that BB had drafted as a result of our meetings as intended parents and Laura’s meetings as surrogate with them. We had been encouraged by BB to talk about it informally beforehand. This we had done and there had been no issues.

At the formal meeting BB took us through the contract step by step – I am sure we couldn’t have done this without BB. I am confident it would not have led to such a successful relationship of surrogate and IPs that we have become! Another hurdle overcome! We were now ready for the next step on the journey.

Egg transfers and getting pregnant

After a couple of visits to the fertility clinic, we were ready to have our first egg transfer. At first this seemed to be successful with some positive tests but it was not to be. This brought us to the realisation that egg sharing with an anonymous donor who was trying to get pregnant was not for us! We wanted eggs from a woman that had a good track record of getting pregnant.

We changed clinic to the London Women’s Clinic and bought ten frozen eggs. On the first attempt we implanted one and this was unsuccessful. Next time we implanted two- still unsuccessful. By now all three of us were exhausted with what seemed like endless trips to London. We decided to have one more go and then take a little break. It was a relief that we all felt the same about this. So we implanted two on the fourth attempt.

We walked Laura back to her train and then went to catch ours. I remember on the station my husband saying “I’ve not got a good feeling about this, I don’t think it’ll be successful”. I had a right go at him “What’s the point in going on if you’re going to be like this”. We were definitely tired.

That’s all history now. Before long Laura had a positive test – we were cautious with our history but there were more positive tests over the coming week or so. Within two or three weeks the BHCG test was really high indicating it might be a multiple birth. We were all beside ourselves with excitement in anticipation of firstly being pregnant and secondly having a multiple birth!

Another visit to the London Women’s clinic in November 2019 confirmed it was twins. We saw them on the ultrasound and listened to their little heartbeats! This was an amazing moment that I’ll remember for the rest of my life. All three of us were so excited and in tears! We couldn’t wait to tell everyone!

Every step of the way Brilliant Beginnings were with us – wishing us good luck before appointments and commiserations when things didn’t quite go so well. Then, finally, sending their congratulations through our client manager when we finally fell pregnant.

The pregnancy itself progressed nicely for the first 20 weeks. At 18 weeks we had a sexing scan!! We were expecting twin girls!!! Bliss!!! We went out with Laura and her family for a meal to celebrate. Little did we know that this would be the last time we would be out in Laura’s company socially.

The ups and downs of multiple pregnancies and a pandemic

After 20 weeks the pregnancy, like many multiple pregnancies, started to have its ups and downs and complications. The work put in by Brilliant beginnings in setting up our partnership really paid off – the three of us became closer and closer as we faced every adversity. Then there was the ‘C’ word. The global pandemic hit and things changed for the three of us.

We weren’t allowed to go to hospital for any appointments with Laura – but our relationship was strong and we went and waited outside for her in the grounds and chatted (at a safe distance) before, between and after any appointments.

It was a very difficult time but the pregnancy went to nearly 37 weeks. Amazing! During the third trimester of the pregnancy, due to the pandemic, we had to replan our birth plan. This was very hard. Initially four of us were going to be there- Laura and her sister and the two of us. Now my husband would be there to support Laura (we chose him because of his medical training – it was a no brainer). I would have to wait outside in the car for the birth. This was hard!!

The birth of our girls

The day came when Laura’s waters broke – at 2 a.m!! We raced to be at the hospital but it was going to be a slow process. It was also a very hot day and we scrambled around the hospital outside space looking for shade! Despite having months to think about it – it was during this long day that we finalised the baby names. It was all getting very close now.

At about 7 p.m. my husband was called into the hospital. I had to stay outside. I remember being sat in the car about 10pm at night. I was writing a letter to the girls about my emotions as they were being born. I still have this today- but it isn’t finished. The phone rang. It was my partner who just said- “Get here now! They are going to let you in”. The wonderful staff at the hospital had said I could be there too. I didn’t need to be asked twice!

The birth of our girls was an amazing, beautiful and emotional rollercoaster!!! It took 33 hours before the first baby was born. All three of us were crying and Laura was exhausted! Both girls were a healthy weight and we held them in our arms for the first time!!! A day to remember forever!!!

Our surrogacy journey

Seven months later here I am watching the girls asleep on the monitor and reminiscing about our surrogacy journey. I am feeling warm and cosy as I write this. We both have such a deep love and bond with the girls. They are our world! Thanks to Laura, BB, the London Women’s Clinic and the staff at the hospital.

We’ve only seen Aunty Laura a couple of times since the birth due to the pandemic. We keep in touch by text and FaceTime. Part of the intensive work with BB had focused on our post baby relationship with our surrogate. BB matched us with someone who wanted the same thing! Laura will always be in our lives and we look forward (we hope) to welcoming her for their first birthday party in June.

By Paul, a BB intended parent

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My Surrogacy Journey

I considered the first half of the process ‘phase one’. During phase one I had to get clearance and approval with my own doctors. I scheduled a pap smear/annual OBGYN appointment with my OBGYN. At the appointment I was able to discuss with my OBGYN about the surrogacy process and he signed a clearance letter. Other tests that I needed to have during the beginning stages were an STD test and a drug test. For those I was able to take the test right in my hometown. The results got sent to the agency after they were completed. After I scheduled a physical with my regular doctor and received blood work, I was cleared by her as well.

All in all this took about 4 months to complete. Besides all the appointments and clearance letters I also had many zoom meetings with people through the agency.  I believe after this point is when you would typically get matched with your intended parents (because we both received letters) but since our process was a little backwards and I actually met them first we didn’t get matched through the agency.

All in all the ‘phase one’ took about 4 months to complete until moving on to (what I call) phase two. In phase two the journey will continue with the medical and psychological screening.

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Congratulations it sounds like you would make a great surrogate please submit this form and we will reach out to your soon to send you some information on surrogacy and to see if you’d like to set up a time to chat about moving forward with surrogacy., thank you for taking our surrogate eligibility quiz some of your answers require further review before we can let you know whether you will be eligible. please submit this form and we will reach out to you soon to chat about your answers., click link to download a brochure.

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UK Surrogacy

Surrogacy has been practiced publicly in the UK since the 80’s when the Surrogacy Arrangements Act was first brought into law following the birth of the ‘baby Cotton legal case’ – born to a UK surrogate, Kim Cotton. This lead to a widely covered media frenzy and later the enforcement of the rushed and somewhat clunky legislation which became the Surrogacy Arrangements Act of 1985.

Surrogacy laws in the UK

Unlike many other destinations surrogacy in the UK is altruistic and is likely to remain this way, and for many this is exactly what is preferred. This means surrogacy organisations in the UK and surrogates cannot profit from surrogacy. Surrogates must only be reimbursed reasonable expenses.  

One of the initial misconceptions with UK Surrogacy is that people often think it’s highly complex, illegal, or anti-family. This isn’t the case at all, altruistic surrogacy is perfectly legal in the UK, furthermore the law is currently in the process of a reform by the Law Commission of England and Wales and the Scottish Law Commission. The final findings are with the current Labour Government, as the laws are out of date and in need of modernising to protect everyone with greater levels of compliance.

Finding a surrogate in the UK

You can register with a number of Government recommended surrogacy organisations such as My Surrogacy Journey.  Surrogate wait times will vary greatly, however surrogacy is not to be rushed into nor hurried.  Waiting times can be anything from six months to two years plus. 

Be wary of online or independent surrogacy Facebook groups, as these obviously work with no formal practices or policies or persons officially responsible.

UK campaigning

Our founders have been campaigning for change since 2016, when they became parents themselves to their first child.   Since then, MSJ has been no stranger for fighting for various legislative changes; including being an active member with the All Party Parliamentary Group (APPG) for Surrogacy Reform and The Law Commission for England and Wales and The Scottish Law Commission. My Surrogacy Journey has also assisted with The Baby Loss Certificate 2024, the Fertility Injustice Coalition and more recently the Parliamentary Forum Group focussed on Fertility, Fertility in the Workplace and Fertility Education.

What makes us different?

As a leading surrogacy organisation it’s our job to guide you throughout your journey to parenthood, as the only UK government surrogacy agency founded by parents through surrogacy ourselves, we understand the importance of exceptional professional, emotional, clinical and practical support – and that’s why our membership has been created through a balanced lens; supporting everyone equally.

Creating a child with donor eggs and donor sperm is not allowed in the UK. This is referred to as ‘double donation’. At least one of the intended parents needs to be genetically linked to the child, in order to apply for and be granted the parental order (PO) – which gives legal parental responsibility and replaces the Surrogate (and their partner if married or civil partnered).  

Surrogacy costs in UK

UK Surrogacy varies in cost, mainly due to the method of which the intended parent/s conceive their baby .

Traditional/Straight Surrogacy

This process avoids using a fertility clinic in the majority of cases, commonly using home insemination as a way to fertilise the surrogates own eggs.   Traditional surrogacy costs much less as the costs are mainly attributed to the surrogates expenses. These can be anything from £6,000 to £25,000.  

However, the average expenses for traditional surrogates are around £15,000 – £17,000 for a typical pregnancy but this obviously is unique to the surrogates personal circumstances.  

Traditional Surrogacy Costs

•  Approximately £15k
• £25k plus including legal fees


Full Surrogacy or Gestational/Host Surrogacy

This is more expensive, but you have greater flexibility (and protection) in terms of future family building, protecting the genetic link of your family/donor, based on the benefits of the IVF process and services associated with it. You can either create new embryos or have the added benefit of using previously frozen embryos.  

Costs for this type of surrogacy will vary from clinic to clinic but on average the total sum you can be expected to pay including has a varying number Surrogacy IVF treatment cycle costs, donor eggs, blood, egg/semen and genetic analysis and cryopreservation.  

Experienced fertility clinics charge between £18k-£22k for a Surrogacy IVF programme with donor eggs and all screening costs. Budget for around £12k – £18k for surrogates’ expense.

Cost of Gestational Surrogacy with Donor Eggs

• Approximately £30k
• £60k plus including legal costs

Find out more

The MSJ Your Journey® app​

We’ve been right where you are, right now. This is why our new intuitive app has been created to support you like no other surrogacy agency.

Our app provides personalised spaces to meet the needs of all our members. One place to educate yourself, to speak to other members and in private with our team. The same place where we’ll hold virtual events and organise in-person events. We have created a network that ensures that communication with our members is at the heart of all we do. Why not download it now and take a look around. If you become a member of MSJ, a whole wealth of content will become available through our app.

• Appointment Reminders
• 24/7 Support
• Educational Resources
• Community Networks

Our Number 1 Podcasts

My Surrogacy Journey The Podcast brings you a wealth of information to support you on your journey, or to help you learn more if you’re considering surrogacy. Hosted by Mike and Wes, they are joined by experts in the field of reproduction, clinics, counsellors lawyers and more! 3 seasons as well as a Mexico City edition answering all your questions about surrogacy in Mexico City. 

We also have a podcast dedicated just to surrogates – The Surrogate Podcast. Hosted by the wonderful Kay and Hayley , surrogates themselves, they bring to you a season full of everything you might want to know – from the voice of surrogates themselves. as they are joined by other surrogates and discuss key matters. 

Listen to My Surrogacy Journey - The Podcast:

• Apple Podcasts
• YouTube Music

Listen to My Surrogacy Journey - The Podcast (Mexico City Edition):

Listen to the the surrogate podcast:.

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